


"What Christmas Means To Me" - The Nightmare Before Christmas part 1.

by DivineVarod



Series: The Nightmare Before Christmas [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Ace Rimmer - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bedford Falls, Christmas, Cleaning, Established Relationship, False Accusations, It's a Wonderful Life, Jealousy, M/M, Memories, Nano-Rimmer, Officer Rimmer, Panic Attacks, Relationship(s), Repressed Memories, Snow Globe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 08:32:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8790802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: Dave Lister is desperate to celebrate his first Christmas as a couple with Arnold Rimmer. There is only one problem: Rimmer seems to have a problem with that particular holiday.As problems grow things turn sour between the couple.





	1. Deck the Halls

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fan fic last year and it kind of got out of hand. It has turned into a weekly series ending on Christmas Eve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister reflects on his first year as a couple with Rimmer.

It was a late afternoon on Red Dwarf in the last week of November and Arnold J Rimmer and David Lister had just cleared out the last of the garbage bags. The two men had spend the whole day cleaning out the bunk room. Rimmer had been itching to do this for weeks (well, maybe years) but Lister had refused every time, saying the mess in the room wasn't _that_ bad. Last night, though, he had given in. For selfish reasons, mainly: he needed Rimmer happy for a plan he had and .. that night as he'd gone for a pee, he'd stepped in a slimy rotting curry. Barely awake the Scouser had panicked about having stepped in a decomposing body for what seemed like hours before a grumpy, groggy Rimmer had switched the lights on to see what was going on. Seeing the panic on his partners face Rimmer had sat him down given him some water and talked to him for a bit, then tried:  
“NOW do you want to clean up this damn bunkroom?”  
Lister had eagerly agreed and they had decided to start first thing – after a few more hours of sleep.  
  
As he stood in the doorway Lister admired their hard work – he was amazed, he barely recognised the room. They had a chair he'd forgotten existed. Was that surface really white and not grey-ish cream?  
A kiss in his neck, two smiling hazel eyes – Rimmer had returned. “Looks fab, doesn't it Arnold?”  
Rimmer smiled and Lister noticed he had a camera in his hands: “It certainly does, Davy Boy.” Rimmer smirked, then pushed a mop into Lister's hands. “If you could just stand in the middle of the bunk with this, please?”  
Lister frowned but obeyed the command.  
When he was in position the Hologram in front of him readied the camera and got into position to make the picture. “Say … curry!!” A big grin spread on Lister's face as he repeated: “Curry!” Rimmer took the picture and then he just wanted to walk of with a smile. That wasn't right, Lister felt and stopped him: “Hey, hang on Arn, want one of you too!” Rimmer looked at him in genuine surprise. “Really?” Lister wrapped an arm around him, “Of course babe!”  
He gently took Rimmer to the middle of the room and took a picture of him.  
“Silly man, you really keep thinking you don't matter, do ya?” Lister said as he gave him a quick kiss. “Come on, let's have a drink. We've earned it!”  
  
“Now, what was all that in aid of anyway?” Lister asked as they sat themselves at the table, where the two pictures lay developing, to enjoy a job well done. “Because this room will never look like this again,” Rimmer grinned. “Well not for the next ten years, at-least ...” Lister shook his head while grabbing a can of beer. “Don't be such a fusspot, Arnold.” He said whilst he opened the can. The beer immediately splashed out of it covering most of Lister, his side of the table and the floor. For a second the two men just looked at each other then they dissolved into hopeless laughter.  
“So … You were saying?” Rimmer asked after he'd calmed down. Lister pushed him teasingly: “Smeg of Rimmer, I'll mop it up.” Seeing the man raise a disbelieving eyebrow with a naughty twinkle in his eyes made Lister reach out and kiss him again.  
The knowledge that him making a mess in a room they'd just spent hours cleaning made Rimmer laugh instead of angry felt good.

* * *

Rimmer had gone through so many changes over the last few years that it was soothing to just see him happy and relaxed. There had been depression after the discovery of who his father was, followed by a life threatening illness and nervous disorder that would leave him forever debilitated.  
The illness brought a complete shift in his priorities; Rimmer had given up on becoming an officer. He begun to realise that he had never truly wanted any of the things his family had “programmed” him to want. He slowly gave in to his artistic side more and had gone back to poetry, drawing and painting – the things he loved to do when he was young but his father beat him for. Finding himself in the end made him brave enough to express his feelings for Lister.  
Even though Lister was flattered and had even kissed Rimmer the same night – he never knew if it had been because he immediately sensed he felt the same way or out of pity for a very frail, tortured Rimmer – it had taken him a while to admit he'd felt the same.  
Part of the problem, strangely, was that Rimmer had changed. In the past he'd have welcomed most of the changes with open arms. Rimmer was calmer, he was kinder and softer. On the flip side he was a lot more emotional, quickly depleted and needed to be kept away from stressful situations as much as possible. Lister had found it difficult to adjust to this “new” Rimmer, he was surprised to find he needed the bitching, he thrived on the fighting. He wondered if he was more kinky than he gave himself credit for.  
Still, the kiss had awakened feelings in Lister he now understood had always been there in some way. Feelings he'd never admitted to having for decades, but were obvious when you thought about it – For example; it had always surprised him that the hurt after Rimmer left to be Ace cut far deeper and longer than losing Kochanski, who he thought was the love of his life.  
Now he knew it was Rimmer, had probably _always_ been Rimmer! He'd grown old with that man, he was the person he'd known longer than anybody in the universe. Hearing Rimmer tell him he'd loved him from the moment he met him had awoken a strong passion. Come on, who wouldn't want someone who'd loved you for neigh on 700 years?

The first few weeks the relationship had been tentative, and they found it hard to adjust to it. Rimmer had the advantage of a centuries long fantasy he'd build, but for Lister it was all new.  
A turning point came when he'd almost lost Rimmer for a second time in three months. For some reason Rimmer had gotten it into his mind that he wasn't good enough for Lister and was holding everyone back. His chronic illness depressed him and he feared Lister was bored with him because he was tired most of the time. The fear in his mind grew to the point where he'd been able to access his Ace memories.  
  
The Ace memories had been sealed of by Kryten and Kochanski after Rimmer had returned severely traumatised from his Ace adventures. They had decided to fill the gaps in his memory with the memories and feelings of the nano-Rimmer who had been with them far to briefly. It would help Rimmer adjust to all the changes easier as it would feel as if he had never really been away.  
  
Accessing the Ace memories had led Rimmer to sacrifice himself for Lister when, after a drunken blunder, the Scouser had been infected by a GELF virus. Rimmer had been unwilling to wait for Kryten to find a solution and had stored the virus on his lightbee. His health being weak meant that Rimmer was close to death in seconds. Lister was furious when he found out and had moved heaven and earth to safe him.  
That was when it had hit him – he loved Rimmer and no matter illness, age or changes, he needed him. Soon he came to realise that the gentler side of Rimmer wasn't a change but something that had been there all along, he had just been afraid to show it.  
  
After this Lister had become fiercely protective of Rimmer. No, not _Rimmer –_ Arnold now.  
Oh yes: that was another thing – Rimmer wanted Lister to call him Arnold, it was very important to him. “Everyone always called me Rimmer, even my parents did. The moment you called me Arnold I knew everything would be different.” Lister himself preferred “Listy”. “David” felt weird, not him at all. “Dave” was annoying while “Davy” reminded him of Ace. He'd always found the way Rimmer said “Listy” cute.  
  
Being loved did Rimmer good in many ways – he became more outgoing and talkative and for some reason he and the Cat begun to build a friendship. The foundations of this were laid when the pair bonded over T.S. Elliot's Cat poems and grew when Rimmer offered to do a painting of him in his favourite outfit. Rimmer hadn't expected the Cat to have over a hundred of favourite outfits, but he gamely complied – and had painted at-least thirty by now.  
  
Relationships with Kryten, on the other hand, were strained. After finding out Lister and Rimmer were an item the Android had become slightly hostile towards the Hologram. Lister recognised the behaviour, Kryten had been the same towards the alternative Kochanski when she was on board. He hoped this would sort itself out in the end.

* * *

So here they were, the Boys from the Dwarf: everything was the same as it'd always been and at the same time everything was different. Rimmer and Lister were closer than they'd ever been: they kissed, cuddled, talked the for hours and huddled together in Rimmer's bunk every night. Rimmer had always been prone to night terrors and never had someone to comfort him. Now, feeling Lister's warmth next to him, Rimmer often clung on to Lister so tightly that sometimes it hurt.  
  
The only thing that hadn't happened yet was “consuming” the relationship. Lister had been all for it, but Rimmer held of. This had surprised Lister at first, as Rimmer had been the one chasing him. Then he thought about it and came to the conclusion that Rimmer, beyond looking for the occasional kiss and a longing for hugs, had never really been into intimacy that much.  
They had discussed it and had come to the conclusion that Rimmer might be asexual. The self-diagnosis comforted Rimmer, though Lister had some doubts.  
Yes, Rimmer's early life bore all the hallmarks of someone asexual: feeling disconnected from others sexual development, a complete disinterest in sex. Yes, if you looked at that part he could very well be asexual.  
But Lister felt that on top of this, there was something else at play.  
Taking the fact that Rimmer had always been afraid of being touched without warning, for example. After all this time Lister still had to be careful to make his presence known before touching him. Once, as a joke, he'd sneaked up on Rimmer and grabbed him from behind in a bear hug, which caused his partner to have a severe panic attack. After this Lister begun to wonder if there was more to Rimmer's fear of intimacy than met the eye: being asexual had nothing to do with this, he knew. He was more careful after that and decided that cuddling up was good enough for him.

* * *

As Lister pondered over their past and present, Rimmer let out a contented sigh as he drank his tea. The Hologram had been happy and relaxed over the last couple of days. Things had been calm, the way he liked it: no attacks, no invasions. Just life on board of the ship. The rest had had a good effect on his health and nerves: just cuddling and talking with Lister, reading, painting and drawing and a movie in the evening. Not exciting to many, but for Rimmer it was heaven.  
  
Lister noticed this relaxed contentment in Rimmer and decided that the time was right to raise the issue he'd been wanting to for quite some time. So when he saw Rimmer's disbelieving eyebrow when he'd promised to clean the involuntary bear spillage he replied _“I will, Arn, I want it to look at it's best for Christmas!”_  
  
_Woosh_ , he'd never seen the light in someone's eyes die as quickly as it did in Rimmer's at that moment. Rimmer's eyes were like two highly accurate mood rings changing colour depending on how he felt. Lister had learned to read them like traffic signs. Right then they were saying: _“Please don't ruin this moment!”_ But Lister had to pursue this: he'd waited to have a perfect Christmas for years and he had never come closer than he had now. He had a partner and Kryten had discovered that they had reached “Christmas planet” a planet that was terraformed into a massive Christmas mall for one week every year. He had waited for decades to be close enough for a visit and this was the year.  
A partner, decorations, a tree, friends, carols - he had a chance to feel "home" again and there was nothing he wanted more.  
  
There was only one snag in his plan: his partner hated Christmas deeply and passionately. Rimmer had never told Lister why this was: all he knew was that every year at Christmas Rimmer would usually disappear for days at a time. The only thing Lister could think of  was that it probably had to do with childhood trauma – one of Rimmer's many. Well this year Rimmer had to get over it, whether he liked it or not. He felt the Hologram owed him after a mental meltdown that year when he was briefly “promoted” to Officer. Rimmer had been unrecognizable for a few days and this had rather rattled Lister, as he'd only just gotten used to "mellow Arnie". It was difficult navigating around so many issues and triggers sometimes.  
  
“Christmas …?” Rimmer said with undisguised disgust, his nostrils beginning to flare – Lister hadn't seen that in a long time.  
“Yeah man, Christmas!” Lister tried to make his smile as reassuring and warm as possible: “Our first Christmas together as a couple.” He saw that this thought calmed Rimmer a little, he took his hand.


	2. It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kryten rather ruins Lister's plans.

Just as Lister tried to settle Rimmer's upcoming panic, Kryten entered the room. The Mechanoid gave the Android equivalent of a glare when he saw the two men holding hands.  
  
“We are ready in the recreation room, sirs.”  
Rimmer looked up in surprise: “Ready?”  
Lister smiled and pulled Rimmer up. “Yeah, come on man!!”  
  
The duo followed Kryten to the recreation room where a rather big surprise awaited a certain Hologram.  
The thing was; Lister had decided to get Rimmer in the mood a bit. To this aid he had Kryten make a few bowls full of mince pies and some cans of coco. To top things off he'd also sprayed the room with Christmas smell – no-one could resist that!  
  
Arnold J. Rimmer could. Entering the room he sniffed the strange sweet smell and froze.  
At the same time thee was an excruciating pain in Lister's hand as Rimmer suddenly seemed to have the urge to lock it into a death grip. He looked up at Rimmer's face and saw an expression he could not place.  
Kryten and Cat didn't seem to notice.  
  
“In preparation for our trip in a week from now Mr Lister thought it was time to get us in the mood.” Kryten chirped.  
Smeg, Lister had wanted to ease Rimmer into that one by getting him into the Christmas spirit first. Now he probably thought they were ambushing him. He could already feel Rimmer going into lock down.  
Rimmer let go of Lister's hand abruptly, his eyebrows raised, as his gaze seemed frozen on the mince pies.  
“Trip?” He asked in quiet surprised.  
“Dogfoodbreath says we're visiting some sort of Christmas planet.” The Cat smiled while popping a mince pie into his mouth.  
“Does he now …” Rimmer muttered.  
  
Lister felt uncomfortable at Rimmer's odd responses, it was as if Cat and Kryten had announced they'd given him the death sentence. He had to lighten the mood.  
“Rimmer, it's fun. Our first shopping trip as a couple. We'll be going to this terraform planet that turns into Santa's Christmas grotto every year.”  
No reply, Rimmer 's face went through a number of changes ranging from shock to horror to anger.

“Arnie ...” Lister said softly, noticing the Hologram had grown very pale.  
“Get that sweet sickly mess out of here!!” Rimmer suddenly barked, gesturing at the coco and mince pie.  
Lister watched in surprise as before his very eyes "Arnold" seemed to turn back into the damaged, nostril flaring guarded, distant "Rimmer" he'd known during his first years on the ship.  
“Now what?” He sighed. How could someone hate Christmas that much? “It's just mince pies and coco, you like coco Rimmer!”  
  
Upon hearing Lister say “Rimmer” instead of “Arnold” Rimmer froze, his panic rising.  
“No, no. Just get it out of here. We don't need Christmas. It's just another day. We're three million years into deep space get over it, _LISTER_!!”  
Despite his resolutions Lister let himself get too annoyed at Rimmer's – in his eyes – over the top reaction. It was “Officer Rimmer” week all over again and within seconds they were back into their old roles. Rimmer and Lister – bickering.  
  
“I need it, Rimmer!! I want to celebrate!”  
“Yes, I know! You've celebrated it with these two for 300 years you gimboid.” Lister sadly missed the hurt in Rimmer's voice when he said that, had he taken Rimmer to another room and asked him what was wrong at that very moment a lot of future pain could have been avoided.  
“Yeah, but never with a tree and the tinsel and the presents, never with … anything!”  
“And you  so should, Mr Lister, sir. Christmas is the highest of Earth's tradition!!” Kryten piped up.  
  
Rimmer's old sneer appeared. “The highest of commercial tradition. If any other religion had the break Christianity had we'd celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or some strange Hindu thing. It's just something to waste money and time on.”  
“Shut up Goalpost head." Cat chucked in, taking time out from coveting the mince pies. "Monkey, what's so special about that "true Christmas" of yours. Is it good? Will I like it?”  
“You Cat? Yes!!” Lister smiled. “We're getting a big green tree in the drive room and we're decorating it with beautiful shiny balls and candles …”  
“I want true Christmas!!”  
“I hadn't even finished!!”  
“You had me at shiny. If it's shiny I'm in!!”  
  
“Thank God he didn't say 'if it's balls I'm in'” Rimmer scoffed. “Lister, you're not cluttering the ship with that junk.”  
“Rimmer, what is your problem? Christmas is supposed to be fun. Why can't you be happy?”  
Rimmer glared at Lister accusatory: “I can't believe you've forgotten!” he thought. But he didn't say it.  
“Oh get over it Lister, Christmas is a waste of time and energy. I've never celebrated Christmas and I'm keeping it that way.” Said Rimmer all the while hiding the bad memories that were the reason why he hated the festivities so much. In the past he had been able to put up with Lister screeching through a few songs and handing out presents before he left the party to go on holiday in the Diesel Decks. He had convinced himself that he was fine with that. So why did the hamster-faced moron want to ruin a perfectly good thing now by throwing a full-blown Christmas party?  
  
Flashbacks, flashbacks to something, something hidden away, something he couldn't say. Rimmer's leg had started shaking and all his guards were up – what was Lister up to?  
“You've NEVER celebrated Christmas? You're joking!”  
No answer.  
“You're kidding, right?”  
Rimmer uttered a hollow laugh. “Yes, of course.”  
That sound made Lister look up at his partner and he saw something in Rimmer's eyes that made his anger shrivel away: Rimmer wasn't being difficult, _he was scared_.  
“You're not joking, man, are you?”  
“Listy, I just want to get out of here. The happiness and that smell it's making me sick!”

 **“** But Mr. Rimmer Sir!!”  
“Oh God ...” Rimmer thought, “now Kryten probably guilt trips me into it.”  
“I have always wanted to see a traditional humanoid family Christmas. Go on sir, just once. Getting the decorations together, doing the tree together!!”  
“I want glitter!!” The Cat shrieked.  
“Come on Rimmer!!” Lister pleaded.  
The pleading the smell of coco and mince pies, the thought of Christmas. His memories coming back, unable to tell Lister. The room started spinning and Rimmer felt as if he couldn't breath, he didn't need to breath, but the simulated feeling of needing to was enough to make things go grey, the memories closing down his throat.  
“I … I need to check something ...” Rimmer said stiffly and walked out of the room.  
Lister stared at him and muttered, to no-one in particular: “Every-time I wonder why he's so messed up he comes and hits me with another zinger …”

* * *

Rimmer dashed into one of his many hideaway corridors where he begun to quietly hyperventilate. He knew he'd smegged up but that smell, Christmas … it was too much. He still couldn't breath.  
“Would you like a bag, Sir?” The fright of Kryten sneaking up behind him doubled Rimmer's fear and only made things worse. Rimmer was certain the mechanoid had done it on purpose.  
“Kryten, you goit!!” he wheezed.  
“Oh, I'm so sorry sir.”  
Kryten handed Rimmer the paper bag he'd brought and put him on a chair.  
“There, there Mr Rimmer. Now what was all that about?”  
Rimmer eyeballed him furiously: “A giant metal moron scared the smeg out of me, if I remember correctly!!”  
“Don't lie sir. You were hyperventilating before I arrived, I only made it worse, but did not cause it. You came here purposely to hyperventilate.”  
“Privately.” Rimmer hissed.

“Mr Lister sent me to check on you. May I require as to why you left?”  
“It was nothing, just a … Well it's non of your business.”  
Rimmer stood up abruptly and stormed back to the bunkroom.


	3. Cold December Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer tries to get into the Christmas spirit for Lister. Then something awful happens ...

Lister owned a snowglobe. A beautiful big snowglobe. It had arrived on the ship a few years ago in a mailpod. The globe had been a family heirloom left to him by his adoptive grandmother. After his guitar it was the most precious item Lister owned. It was a reminder of his grandmother, his family, his life on earth and the last link to his past. It was the only thing Lister was actually careful with: keeping it rolled safely in a towel all year and only taking it out round Christmas. In the weeks leading up to Christmas he would sit at the table and look at it for hours as Christmas songs played in the ship. He would dream of "home" and Christmas past.  
  
Rimmer saw the snowglobe had been unwrapped when he entered the bunkroom, it proudly stood in the middle of the table. Still slightly unsteady after his panic attack, Rimmer sat down at the table and looked at it, like he'd seen Lister do for so many years. _It really is rather pretty_ he thought. The scene in the globe was based on Bedford Falls, the fictional town from Lister's favourite movie _It's a Wonderful life_.  
  
Looking at the globe reminded Rimmer of just how much Lister loved Christmas. Guilt filling his body he closed his eyes and meditated, but he simply couldn't get his mind to shut up. His body buzzing and shaking he looked at the globe again. His throat was dry and his brain was spinning: hadn't felt this stressed in months.  
“For smeg sake man,” he said to either himself, the snowglobe or the mirror he was facing, “what's wrong with you? You have all you ever dreamed of and you're pushing him away. Typical, bloody typical Arnie.” He heard Lister in his head: “You never learn; do ya?”  
_“No I bloody don't …”_ he sighed.  
  
“Stop beating yourself up man …” The real Lister said, standing in the doorway and clearly having heard most of Rimmer's rant.  
Rimmer turned to look at him apologetically. “I'm so sorry I …”  
Lister put his hand on Rimmer's shoulder. “It was never meant to be an ambush, Arn.” Lister felt the tenseness in Rimmer's shoulder lessen when he used the first name again. Rimmer closed his eyes and bit his lip. Now was the chance; he had to be brave, step over whatever he was feeling right now and take the leap for Lister's sake.  
“So … tell me about that Christmas planet.” He croaked eventually. Lister smiled and sat down. He begun to babble on and on about fun, joy and Christmas cheer while Rimmer sat there, his nails pressed into the bottoms of his hands to stop himself from screaming, panicking. After talking for a bit Lister noticed some discomfort in his partner. “Oh, hey. Am I going on a bit too much for ya?”  
Rimmer forced a brave smile “No, no. It's fine, but if you could just give me a few moments by myself, I need to think for a bit.”  
Lister knew by now never to argue when Rimmer needed alone time, so got up to leave him to work through whatever it was. Before he left he gently squeezed Rimmer's shoulder again and kissed his cheek. “Whatever it was that hurt you, it's gone now. There's nothing to be scared about, Arn.”

* * *

 _“There's nothing to be scared about, Arn.”_ These words had calmed him more than the talk had. Feeling slightly better Rimmer turned himself to softlight to do his meditation and breathing exercises.  
  
When he had calmed himself as much as possible he sat back at the table again and made up his mind: he would try for Lister. He knew his problems were ruining what was supposed to be a fabulous time for the man he loved and that was the last thing he wanted. He knew he wasn't great to be around at this time of the year, but he could work on that, couldn't he? And if not he could pretend.  
His mind rambled on from there. So many questions, so much confusion. Despite their relationship he could not understand why Lister was so very insisted on celebrating with him, not after ... - Did this mean he really wanted him there to enjoy Christmas? He couldn't not after what he'd been through. But if Lister really meant it maybe this could be a new start. Maybe he could actually have a real Christmas for once. Yes, yes, that was what he had to focus on: a new chance at Christmas! Rimmer smiled at this and decided he would trust his partner would know what was best. He would do his best to control his panic, his hurt and his memories and try to let the others have fun. If Lister wanted him here so badly he wouldn't let him down. Maybe he too could have fun this year.  
  
When Lister returned Rimmer, exhausted from the anxiety attacks and overthinking, was asleep in his bunk. The Hologram had left a note on Lister's pillow. _“I've never celebrated Christmas, but I need to tell you David Lister – there is no-one I'd rather spend my Christmas with than you! All my love Arnold.”_  
Smiling Lister kissed the cheek of his sleeping lover.

* * *

It would take a long time before Lister knew just how much it took for Rimmer to keep up the pretense. Every day he forced himself to do what he thought  was expected of him: trying to be happy, hiding the moments he panicked, repressing his fear and downplaying the nightmares he suffered. During the day there were often times where he felt as if he couldn't breath.  
Despite all that, for some strange reason, Rimmer had begun to actually convince himself that he was enjoying it all. And indeed: some parts were really enjoyable: Most of all the fact that he was truly a part of it all.  
He was part of the posse, part of the chats about the decorations, the Christmas songs and helped with planning of their trip to the Christmas planet. He'd created a Christmas chart where everyone had been assigned tasks they needed to complete so they'd be ready for Christmas. Rimmer loved organizing so he took to it naturally.  
  
On the whole Lister was happy that Rimmer had come round to Christmas, but as he watched his partner he did find his behavior a bit forced sometimes and scarily over the top at others. He had noticed the nightmares - of course he had! The man slept in his arms every night and was shaking so violently at times it made his teeth chatter. When he woke Rimmer up the Hologram kept assuring him he couldn't remember what had happened. This worried Lister sometimes and he wondered if maybe he should discuss it with Arnold. But on the other hand, things were so peaceful right now, why would he start looking for trouble? Rimmer seemed happy enough most of the time, maybe he was reading too much into it. He'd keep an eye on him, but wouldn't try to fix what wasn't broken.

* * *

Despite exhausting himself with effort, Rimmer still felt he was still doing Christmas wrong and decided he wanted a present for Lister. Something personal to show him how much he loved him and to show him he was giving it a try. Entering the bunkroom one afternoon an idea came to him, something he knew "Listy" would love.  
“Listy hun, could I borrow your snowglobe for a bit?” Rimmer asked with a smile.  
Lister looked and frowned at him. He seemed doubtful for a few seconds “What you want it for?”  
“A secret.” Rimmer winked.  
Lister pondered for a few seconds, then shrugged, it was Rimmer he was usually very careful.  
“Sure, go ahead. As long as you're really careful. Promise?”  
“Of course I promise.”  
"No, swear!"  
"Yes Listy, I swear! Of course I do. I'd never hurt you like that!"  
"I know babe. It's just, it means so much to me ..."   
  
Softly humming to himself Rimmer took the snowglobe to the Captain's bedroom that he had turned into his solitary retreat and art-studio.  
He was planning to paint a scene based on the globe for Lister. A big version of Bedford Falls as a present.  
  
Soon he lost himself into the calming routine of creating art. He was happily sketching the rest of the day and well into the next. When he was truly satisfied with the sketches he decided to return the snowglobe to Lister as he'd noticed his partner was nervous about it being missing.  
After placing the globe back in its spot he decided to take another chance on something else and walked to the recreation room.

* * *

While Kryten had said the mince pies were for everyone to take as they wanted Rimmer, for some reason acted as if he were committing a severe crime.  
Looking shiftily from side to side he reached out a trembling hand and quickly snatched four mince pies.  
He held his breath and stood stock still. When no-one came to harm him and nothing bad happened he breathed out again. He moved on to the coco and quietly pored himself a mug. After that he quickly dashed out again. _Nothing happened_ , he smiled to himself as relief washed over him.  
  
Rimmer realised he was actually cheerful when he caught himself whistling a Christmas tune as he returned to the bunkroom with his coco and mince-pies. Maybe … just maybe this really could be his first Christmas!

* * *

Entering the bunkroom he froze on the spot when he saw Lister standing in the middle of the room an expression of hurt, anger and disappointment etched on his face.  
“Rimmer, how could you?” The Scouser spat as he turned to face him. Rimmer was confused: He had not done anything, at-least nothing he was aware of.  
“Lister what …?” He begun falteringly.  
“How could you do this to me? You know how much it meant to me!!”  
For a brief hopeful second Rimmer wondered if he was experiencing a future echo and should remember this to stop it from ever happening. Then he saw it:  
  
_The snowglobe. On the floor. Broken._  
  
The glass shell had splintered into several pieces, the water and snowlike substance had spilled on the floor and the figurines and landscape had scattered around the room.  
“The snowglobe?” Rimmer muttered. “What?”  
“Don't pretend you don't know, Rimmer. Isn't this why you wanted to borrow it? So you could ruin it, like you ruin everything! Like you ruined my Christmas forever!! Couldn't say it to my face, how much you hate Christmas, could ya? So you had to break my one last memory from home, you sniveling weezily coward!!”  
Dumbstruck, nailed to the floor and frozen Rimmer heard Lister yell, every word a dagger through his simulated heart. Words he had felt sure Lister would never call him again hit him, whipped him and tortured him. He felt as if he was falling into a deep, cold, dark pit, he was drowning, he couldn't breath. Lister didn't love him, he couldn't if he thought, if he called him …  
  
“Well? Say something then!”  
He couldn't breath …  
“Say something, you coward!!”  
Just when Rimmer was about to give into unconsciousness Lister's face flashed in front of him, two furious deep black eyes. Something hard hit his face, he fell to the floor, the back of his head hitting the door. For a moment everything went grey, then black. He faintly heard the sound of falling crockery breaking when hitting the ground. Then nothing for a few seconds.  
  
It took Rimmer a few seconds to realise what had happened: Lister had punched him. _Lister had punched him!!_ He realised that he'd instinctively crawled into a corner and had thrown his hands up to ward Lister of after the first punch and then noticed that he was shaking. He saw Lister glare, seething, ready to punch again, he curled up protectively, an instinctive reaction.  
  
Seeing Rimmer scared and huddled up in a corner Lister backed off. “Just leave, Rimmer.” He hissed through his teeth.  
“Listy, please, listen. I … I didn't …”  
“Stop lying and just go, before I punch ya again!”  
Rimmer dizzily got to his feet, wondering if he was dreaming. Just a moment ago his world had been happy, now his heart had been ripped out. He didn't know what to say or how to react: Lister had clearly made up his mind: He Arnold J Rimmer had taken that snowglobe to smash it and now he was no longer wanted. He'd better do what he wanted and leave.

* * *

Rimmer stumbled out of the room and made his way to the Captain's Bedroom – his private place, a mist of tears clouding his vision and a violent migraine exploding behind his eyes. “I knew it, I knew it” the words hammered through his brain. It was starting: Lister was leaving him the same way everyone had always left him. But this time he hadn't done anything. Lister had accused him without question, he had not even wanted to listen to a word he had to say.  
Rimmer staggered into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Tears and pain, nothing but tears and pain. Every nightmare of every Christmas he'd ever experienced begun flooding through his mind over and over again and again. Then the memory of his last Christmas alive returned loud and looming and he remembered, he remembered why he kept feeling like he couldn't breath.  
  
He was nauseous. With a mighty effort he hailed himself from his bed and only just made it to the bathroom in time. After vomiting three times in a row Rimmer's weary body just wanted to sink to the floor to cry but Rimmer forced himself to return to the bedroom.  
Shivering he dragged himself himself back to bed and crawled underneath the blankets – sleep. He'd only just closed his eyes when someone knocked at the door.  
“Mr Rimmer, sir …?”  
Kryten …  
Rimmer groaned.


	4. Cold, Cold Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angry Lister forces Rimmer to join him on a trip.

Lister let out an annoyed grumble when he saw Kryten arrive into the dining room alone. “Where is Rimmer?” he asked, more out of habit than anything else. After what happened today he already knew the answer and said in unison with the Android: “In his room Sir ...”  
“Why?”  
“He says he is ill sir and will not be joining us. He said he'd prefer we go without him.”  
For a second Lister thought about going without Rimmer. He could not: this should have been their first trip as a couple. Despite everything he still wanted to go with Rimmer, if anything it would be fun to see him squirm when confronted by Christmas overload. He was done with that man: his issues, his hysterics and how he made everything about himself. He'd put up with it for long enough. Everyone had his limits. What he had done was unforgivable. If he wanted to ruin Christmas he'd give him nothing but Christmas as a revenge.  
****  
Having made up his mind Lister jumped from his chair, looking rather vexed. “Well, tough smeg, he's coming!!”  
Lister stormed down the hall, followed by a protesting Kryten. Halfway down the corridor the Cat appeared out of no-where and joined them, sensing something interesting might be happening.  
“Why you so angry buddy? I can feel it three floors down!!”  
“Rimmer smashed my snowglobe. Gonna teach him a lesson.”  
For a brief second a terrified expression rippled across Kryten's face – only the Cat noticed and frowned.  
  
Headed by Lister the trio barged into the darkened room where Rimmer lay sleeping. With a loud bang Lister switched on the lights startling the Hologram awake and aggravating his migraine. “Rimmer get up you smeghead," Lister spat, "you're coming with us!!” Rimmer was dazed and seemed unable to focus for a few seconds. _What the smeg did they want now? Why couldn't they leave him alone?_   “Coming …?” He repeated, still half asleep the words felt strange in his mouth. “Where?”  
“The Christmas planet. I want us all to go together.”  
  
Rimmer closed his eyes and swallowed. The Christmas planet!! As if things weren't bad enough. First that snowglobe, the punch, the terrible memories and now this: _he hated Christmas, hated it._ He felt a long lost anger burning in the pit of his stomach and embraced it like a old friend. “Not interested Lister. Now could you please let me return to sleep.”  
Rimmer rolled over in his bed turning his back to the others, including a stunned Lister.  
  
“Right, that's it!!” The Scouser snapped, he signalled the Cat and both men dived into the bed to drag the unwilling Hologram out. “Rimmer, what is wrong with you? We've discussed this. You agreed! I want to experience a true Christmas again.” Furious by being attacked for the second time I one day Rimmer quickly reached for his lightbee and hit softlight, causing Lister and Cat to fall through him. Victorious Rimmer returned to his bed. “That was before a certain dread-locked Scouser physically attacked me, remember. I am asking you once again: could you please let me return to sleep?”  
Lister looked both infuriated and defeated, _how could Rimmer even be angry about that attack? He knew what he'd done!_ “Rimmer, what are you doing? You're already ruined Christmas … and it's not even the 14 th of December!!”  
Rimmer sighed: _Not even December the 14_ _th_ _? How long would he have to suffer this for?_ He couldn't bear to think about it, he felt sick enough as it was. Lister had punched him, betrayed him. The blow on his head, the migraine. He shivered and desperately wished they'd all leave him alone: all he wanted was sleep. He was certain he had a fever; he was sweating but felt so very cold.  
Suddenly a hand reached into Rimmer and it all went dark.

* * *

The next thing Arnold J Rimmer knew was that found himself on Blue Midget next to Lister as the Cat was launching lift-off. What had they done to him? This was the hologramic equivalent to chloroform and kidnap. Rimmer was so shocked he could not speak for what seemed like hours, but it must only have been seconds, because lift of still had not started yet.  
  
“What ...the...” He begun, not sure what to even say about this new stunt of Lister, then he did ...“I didn't want to go! Why couldn't you just accept that? This is a smegging kidnap Lister. Kryten why didn't you stop him? Aren't there any Space Corp Directives against kidnapping your superiors?”  
Before the Android could answer Lister cut in.  
“Oh put a cork in it Rimmer! So I kidnapped you, who gives a smeg? I couldn't take anymore of your whinging. I wanted us to enjoy this as a couple, but after the stunts you've pulled today it's your punishment instead. Sit down, put up, shut up and smile!”  
Rimmer did non of this, he wanted his say, here and now.  
  
“Stunts I've pulled? Stunts _I've pulled_?! You accuse me, punch me, insult me and then smegging kidnap me and you're talking about stunts _I've pulled_?”  
Lister once more saw red, _how could Rimmer ...?_  
“Still denying it then, you coward? Just smegging admit it: Cat was preening, Kryten was ironing - No one else could have done this but you!!”  
  
_Kryten whimpered._  
  
Lister was staring daggers at Rimmer, so didn't notice.  
  
Rimmer was in the throws of another major panic attack and a migraine explosion at the same time, so he did not notice.  
  
Cat noticed and sighed.

* * *

Rimmer felt as if he was standing in a glass cage, separated from the others. No air, no sounds except for the buzzing in his ears. Looking into Listers eyes he begun to doubt his own mind. “Maybe I did … Maybe I did do it and just don't remember!” A feverish Rimmer thought. He had been ill a lot, he had mental issues. What if he was losing his mind? – He could be, it wouldn't surprise him. The thought terrified him so much he could't talk. _“If I really was the only one there, the only one who could possibly have ...?”_  
  
He didn't say it, “Is the ship supposed to be spinning like this …?” he asked instead as he grabbed Kryten for support. He had felt dizzy ever since he'd hit his head, but this was beyond dizzy.  
“Hey, what's wrong with you man?” Lister asked – sounding more annoyed than helpful.  
  
Suddenly Rimmer stood stock still, eyes wide, face twisted with fear, staring at nothing.  
“Oh God! No, please, no! Go away!! Please go away!!”  
Rimmer screamed as he dived into a corner and huddled in fear. Lister had no time to respond so went after him, kneeling down next to the Holograms shivering form.  
“Rimmer, what's wrong, there's nothing there??”  
Rimmer sat there paralyzed with fear. “Monster ...” he whispered.  
“Arnold, there's nothing there!!”  
Rimmer looked up at Lister, his big frightened eyes not really focusing “Please …” He begged softly. “Please can I go home Listy I …”  
Lister rolled his eyes. At any other moment he'd scooped the frightened man right up in his arms to give him all the comfort he so needed. But not then, in his anger he ignored the warning signs. Right now he was done with Rimmer trying to get away with something by creating drama again.  
“If this is another of your weaselly attempts of ruining this trip Rimmer …” He broke himself off.  
“Smeg it, I've had enough.” Ignoring the desperate look on his partners face Lister stood up and positioned himself at his console next to Cat.  
A shifty and worried looking Kryten turned to Rimmer and helped him up.

* * *

It took a lot for Rimmer to keep it together on their journey in Blue Midget. Barely able to focus on the navigation computer he prayed that no-one would attack and no asteroids would choose this particular moment to fly into them. When he was certain no-one was watching the feverish Hologram sometimes tried to sooth his pounding head by pressing it against the cold steel walls of the craft.  
Rimmer was conflicted and his thoughts were disjointed. His self loathing had gotten hold of him. True, Lister had punched him, but maybe he was to blame for it. Yes, it was _his_ fault, it must be. He'd made himself an easy suspect, after his Officer based freak out earlier that year. Maybe that was another sign that he was losing his mind. Yes, it was obvious why Lister would suspect him. It was his fault, hating Christmas as much as he did. What if he had done it? Could he have done it? No, no; he'd put the globe on the table, he was sure he had. He'd get Lister back, he had to, he was nothing without him. They'd get through this. One way or another he'd show Lister he had not hurt him. proof that he had not done this.  
Still, deep inside of him the resentment burned. A small other voice that reminded him that: Lister had falsely accused him, punched him and kidnapped him without a second thought. But the voice was faint as the hurt of losing Lister ate away at his soul. He closed his eyes to stop the tears – he was dizzy, so terribly dizzy.

* * *

Rimmer wasn't as good at hiding his discomfort as he thought as Lister had noticed his pale worried face and red eyes when he'd turned around to ask Kryten a question. Seeing Rimmer look so fragile annoyed him as it made it hard for him to stay angry at him. Slowly cooling down as he focused on their flight he started questioning the events and begun to wonder if maybe he'd been wrong about it all. Rimmer was devoted to him and terrified of doing anything that could harm their relationship. Smashing the snowglobe would be completely out of character. What if that hallucination he had had been real? Maybe he truly was ill; too much stress always brought out a migraine or fever and the events of today had been very stressful. He'd also hit his head against that wall. _Smeg, he'd punched him!_ Maybe he hadn't broken that smegging snowglobe, he had been very fast to accuse him. The fact that he'd punched Rimmer angered him: he'd never lost control like that. He wasn't a violent man. But that globe, it meant so much to him, it was all he had left from his past, from earth, his grandmother. It had so many memories. He saw the giant black and purple bruise growing on Rimmer's cheek and cringed – what if he hadn't done it? Rimmer was a bad liar and the look of hurt and surprise had seemed genuine. But, he reasoned, no-one else could have done it!!

What was that? Why was Rimmer pressing his head against the wall? Lister begun to doubt his wisdom in forcing him to come against his will. He remembered all the other times they'd forced Rimmer into joining them – it had always ended badly – especially for Rimmer. But – he tried to rationalise his worries: what could possibly happen on a Christmas planet?


End file.
